ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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