I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
sarcasm needs its own font
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
