Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
