I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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