I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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