considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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