Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
