I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
