how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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