Ambien. No doubt about it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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