theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize