It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot