You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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