I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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