I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
