I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
