Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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