I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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