You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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