can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
