On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think my moral compass just broke
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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