Betty ford says i'm here all night
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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