Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
