She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Randomize
