please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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