I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
