We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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