Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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