Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
