Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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