no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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