Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
