Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
