I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
