And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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