Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
