Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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