Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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