Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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