My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
