When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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