I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
