My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
