all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
