she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
