I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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