How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
