You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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