What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
