I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
