What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
