you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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