So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
