Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
