Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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