My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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