halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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